"Native American Ten Commandments"
....Sacred Instructions Given By The Creator To Native People At The Time Of Creation....
Treat the Earth and all that dwell thereon with respect.
Remain close to the Great Spirit.
Show great respect for your fellow beings.
Work together for the benefit of all Mankind.
Give assistance and kindness wherever needed.
Do what you know to be right.
Look after the well being of mind and body.
Dedicate a share of your efforts to the greater good.
Be truthful and honest at all times.
Take full responsibility for your actions.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
Expectations, Entitlement & Ego
Recently, it was brought to my attention that I have exceedingly unrealistic expectations of how the world should behave! I have known this for some time, but was unable to really pin down why I am like this and have always been obsessed with fairness and justice. Part of why this is so important is because I am never seeing the world as it is; instead, I am always hoping or expecting the world to be different. By doing this, I am setting myself up for disappointment at every turn.
Because I have no control over others, I cannot simply wish their behavior to change and take it personally when it does not; however, this is how I have been living for many years. What I have discovered is profound: I have been handed (by virtue of the affluence which I was born into) a very easy, safe and comfortable life. I feel entitled to be treated as I treat others no matter what - this is my ego going strong; I am trying to control the outcome of every situation so that I remain feeling at ease, safe and comfortable. When something goes against what I believe should be happening, I am deeply disappointed and struggle with trying to make sense of this betrayal perpetrated on me.
All of this comes down to one huge piece of my puzzle:
Fundamentally, I did not grow up liking or loving myself for me. I learned to people please and as such, was only validated from the outside in. Although this was a manipulation of others, it was also terribly misleading for me. I became dependent on things outside of myself to validate every part of my being. If I had loved myself and knew this at the core of my being, I could experience any injustice but know that it was never about me personally! I could see the weakness in the other person, but let it go because it was never about me. Instead, I would replay the scene over and over again in my head and try to understand why things did not go my way. I would have conversations in my head trying to figure out how to convince someone to see things my way and validate me by doing this.
I have been held hostage by this my entire life. I believed early on that anothers bad behavior was purposely aimed at me and I took it personally; I was convinced that if I were more worthy or valuable, this unfair or unjust situation would never be part of my world. I lived in a constant state of let down, disappointment, and sadness for myself due to my proven unlovability.
My wise friend (who I am just getting to know) learned at an early age that another person's bad behavior was not going to define or undermine him! This bad behavior illustrated their weaknesses and nothing about him. What a beautiful gift! To know yourself so deeply and with such reverence that you can allow others to be exactly who they are going to be and it is ok, because you are enough!
Additionally, because my friend is enough and values himself, he does not overeat or drink to excess or engage in any behavior that is self destructive! Can you imagine? Eating properly and exercising properly not because someone tells you that it is good for you, but because you celebrate yourself on such a high level that you cannot behave differently! This just boggles the mind in the Western world and isn't that sad?
Many in our society earn distinction and celebrity by being more and more self-destructive in entertaining ways. We celebrate and pay respects to those young artists who have died early after abusing their body, mind and spirit. Of all things, to show respect to someone who did not value themselves enough to treat their beautiful and awesome being with the highest regard.
Along with expectations, entitlement goes ego or arrogance. We believe our way is correct and part of our entitlement or higher purpose. How dare we decide what others must feel, do or say! This is so prevalent in affluent areas, but we assign this entitlement mentality to those in poorer situations as if to deflect from what we know is true of ourselves. How many times have we thought that someone does not deserve to collect welfare or subsidy because we know better how to help them? Maybe we have a theory, but what makes us the one who knows exactly what their situtation requires?
So what is the answser? I believe in my case it is focusing on learning how to love myself so fully that I do not have any voids within me. From this point of personal strength, I am then no longer concerned with what others do or do not do as they cross paths with me. I am only taking care of myself and that is job enough.
Additionally, as I take care of myself by loving and respecting who I am, I can treat others as I wish to be treated but not expect to be treated. Instead, I do this free and clear of ANY expectation that I must or should receive the same. I give openly without expectation of anything in return and that is enough for me. Instead of attaching an expectation of entitlement which could end in disappointment, I stay in the perfection of the moment where I am fully alive and present, offering love to another because that is reward in itself - this is what I celebrate now without needing any assurance of what the future will bring or living in any fear of what the past was about.
I am free!
Because I have no control over others, I cannot simply wish their behavior to change and take it personally when it does not; however, this is how I have been living for many years. What I have discovered is profound: I have been handed (by virtue of the affluence which I was born into) a very easy, safe and comfortable life. I feel entitled to be treated as I treat others no matter what - this is my ego going strong; I am trying to control the outcome of every situation so that I remain feeling at ease, safe and comfortable. When something goes against what I believe should be happening, I am deeply disappointed and struggle with trying to make sense of this betrayal perpetrated on me.
All of this comes down to one huge piece of my puzzle:
Fundamentally, I did not grow up liking or loving myself for me. I learned to people please and as such, was only validated from the outside in. Although this was a manipulation of others, it was also terribly misleading for me. I became dependent on things outside of myself to validate every part of my being. If I had loved myself and knew this at the core of my being, I could experience any injustice but know that it was never about me personally! I could see the weakness in the other person, but let it go because it was never about me. Instead, I would replay the scene over and over again in my head and try to understand why things did not go my way. I would have conversations in my head trying to figure out how to convince someone to see things my way and validate me by doing this.
I have been held hostage by this my entire life. I believed early on that anothers bad behavior was purposely aimed at me and I took it personally; I was convinced that if I were more worthy or valuable, this unfair or unjust situation would never be part of my world. I lived in a constant state of let down, disappointment, and sadness for myself due to my proven unlovability.
My wise friend (who I am just getting to know) learned at an early age that another person's bad behavior was not going to define or undermine him! This bad behavior illustrated their weaknesses and nothing about him. What a beautiful gift! To know yourself so deeply and with such reverence that you can allow others to be exactly who they are going to be and it is ok, because you are enough!
Additionally, because my friend is enough and values himself, he does not overeat or drink to excess or engage in any behavior that is self destructive! Can you imagine? Eating properly and exercising properly not because someone tells you that it is good for you, but because you celebrate yourself on such a high level that you cannot behave differently! This just boggles the mind in the Western world and isn't that sad?
Many in our society earn distinction and celebrity by being more and more self-destructive in entertaining ways. We celebrate and pay respects to those young artists who have died early after abusing their body, mind and spirit. Of all things, to show respect to someone who did not value themselves enough to treat their beautiful and awesome being with the highest regard.
Along with expectations, entitlement goes ego or arrogance. We believe our way is correct and part of our entitlement or higher purpose. How dare we decide what others must feel, do or say! This is so prevalent in affluent areas, but we assign this entitlement mentality to those in poorer situations as if to deflect from what we know is true of ourselves. How many times have we thought that someone does not deserve to collect welfare or subsidy because we know better how to help them? Maybe we have a theory, but what makes us the one who knows exactly what their situtation requires?
So what is the answser? I believe in my case it is focusing on learning how to love myself so fully that I do not have any voids within me. From this point of personal strength, I am then no longer concerned with what others do or do not do as they cross paths with me. I am only taking care of myself and that is job enough.
Additionally, as I take care of myself by loving and respecting who I am, I can treat others as I wish to be treated but not expect to be treated. Instead, I do this free and clear of ANY expectation that I must or should receive the same. I give openly without expectation of anything in return and that is enough for me. Instead of attaching an expectation of entitlement which could end in disappointment, I stay in the perfection of the moment where I am fully alive and present, offering love to another because that is reward in itself - this is what I celebrate now without needing any assurance of what the future will bring or living in any fear of what the past was about.
I am free!
Lessons on Healing
I operate my life and my relationships according to the following insights:
1. The physical universe is an actualization of my thoughts.
2. If my thoughts are cancerous, they create a cancerous physical reality.
3. If my thoughts are perfect, they create a physical reality brimming with LOVE.
4. I am 100% responsible for creating my physical universe the way it is.
5. I am 100% responsible for correcting the cancerous thoughts that create a diseased reality.
6. There is no such thing as out there. Everything exists as thoughts in my mind.
These insights are part of an ancient healing technique from Hawaii called Ho’oponopono.
Ho'oponopono is about taking full responsibility for your life and all the good or bad circumstances in it.
Recently, I have posted a lot about fear. The reason I have done this is to impart to you how all pervasive this emotion is in our society today and how damaging its effects can be. Over the last few weeks, I have been going through a great deal of pain with even more growth and insight...such a beautiful blessing.
I want to share some of these more recent insights with you. Take a look and see how you might be dealing with the world, remembering that your world is really your own creation and as such, it can be re-created at any time!!!
Before you change your world, you need to be deeply honest about how you have constructed it thus far. Once you examine your current world, you can then take steps to discard what you don't like and create anew, what you do like!
Truly empowering.
Friend or Foe
This might sound like the most simple concept in the world, yet it took a dear friend to help me see it:
Do you see the world as a friendly place or a hostile place?
The answer to this may explain numerous things to you...I for one have grown up seeing the world as a hostile and threatening place. It was not until today when she said this question to me, that I got “it”! And by “it” I mean that everything I was doing in life has been premised on the fact that I need to protect myself from the world. WOW...that is an exhausting task!
Now the reason this is so powerful is that my subconscious mind had taken the idea that the world is a hostile place and kept it as truth. No matter what I did consciously to see or do differently, my subconscious mind had the real programming and would not allow me to break through this reality.
Consequently, I was unable to allow myself to receive freely because I was unintentionally blocking all friendly and good things by this subconscious programming.
I could spend time telling you how I ended up believing this, but that is really not important – it is interesting but not terribly helpful to ending the problem. The minute my friend said that I was blocking out the good by this view that the world is unfriendly, I woke up! Although I may have known what I was doing intellectually, my essence or spirit was not understanding it until that moment when I realized, “oh, she is right.” “Seeing the world as hostile has kept me from really enjoying the fruits of what I do.” After all, how could anyone receive anything from a world that seems to be a threat?
And even more important, anyone who believes that this world is a hostile place is by definition not living connected to God/Source/Creator. God or Source would not create such a place to begin with so even though I felt as if I were living side by side with God, I was not...instead, I was living in an alternate dimension where all was negative and angry.
Sweet Surrender
I cannot tell you how often I have used the word “surrender” in the last few months; I said it or thought it many, many times. Despite how much I used that word, I never actually understood what I meant by it! I was certain of one thing: Once I surrendered, I would finally be free of this gripping financial fear issue and the constant struggle with my family to understand and know me in my current role of intuitive, healer and spiritual adviser. So there I would sit in meditation, trying desperately to surrender and to feel that release. I craved that freedom that I just knew would engulf my whole being and then I would know that I had turned the corner. Try, try as I might, that freedom and surrender just would not come!
In fact, I kept actually feeling a physical block from surrender. I was working as hard as I could...trying to get there, but something kept blocking me from achieving it and so I worked even harder trying to get there, to that illusive surrender.
Then today, while reading about light workers, I was thinking about all those wonderful souls that I work with who (like me) are light workers when suddenly, BOOM, I felt it! I knew what it was in an instant! The IT was surrender! I had just surrendered fully!
Right then and there, I realized that surrender was not something I had to actively move towards or work at. All I had to do was move out of my own way and let God come into me! What I mean is this: I often talk about having a relationship with Source/Creator/God and how personal and intimate this must be. That is true. You must cultivate a relationship with Source that allows you to go there and be with Source when you need to. But, what I have left out is the following: You must allow God to come into you! This is the surrender. This is the place where you simply allow and KNOW from within and without that all you do, say, be and feel is from God/Source/Creator. From that moment on, as you move out of the way, life is no longer about you and control or ego; that part of you has surrendered (stepped aside) and is now replaced by God/Source/Creator!
And when it happens, oh my! When you release everything and know deep, deep down that it will be alright because you are no longer flying your plane; instead, you have turned that plane called LIFE over to the most sophisticated and powerful auto-pilot around!! You can sit back and glide - just learning and being because literally you and the father are one! Finally.
In these last few months, I knew something was wrong, but I did not realize it was the fundamental point of once again releasing control. In all the struggle and fear, I had taken back my ego and in doing so, my ego began holding me hostage.
“What will I do? What should I do? Should I get a “real” job like everyone is telling me to do? Why is this so hard...why can't this be easy ?” Mind chatter would go on and on... and on.
On top of all that, I began to resent people that I perceived as being responsible for my downfall...my family who was not supporting me and never had; my clients who were not following through when they had opted to work the month, but then canceled on me at the last minute. Once again, although I knew better, I was obsessed with everything outside of me; not only was I obsessed, but I was trying to fix, control or judge all of it. By doing this, I was once again imprisoned in negativity and powerlessness. Aarggghhhhh!!!
In the moment when I surrendered, I knew myself to be one with Creator/God/Source; instantly, all my resentments, worries and fears slipped easily away into some abyss no longer connected to anything to do with me. I am free!
So, remember that to surrender, you don't have to work at anything or aim for something or get somewhere. All you need to do is literally get out of your own way and invite your God/Creator/Source into that wide open space and become one with you. From this place of wholeness, you can know and be pure consciousness and bliss.
I am sharing with you, in order, the more recent epiphanies that I have had....here is the last piece of my big puzzle:
Crushing Cruelty
The other day I received an incredibly cruel and hateful letter from my landlord in response to my giving notice and explaining why I was leaving. I almost printed the letter here so you could see how venomous this was! I was shocked by the letter and its sentiment because I had no idea that I was disliked this intensely; for months, all the communications had told me that I was the most kind and considerate tenant ever!
What bothered me even more was the anger that was being poured into this piece of paper as if unloading on me would cure the deep fear the author was clearly experiencing. We have spent so many years being told that we must speak our truth as if being sure to blame someone else will release what we are feeling. Trust me, it doesn't. You will never be able to let all that negativity out of you until you actually take responsibility for creating it in the first place.
What I know is this: I may make mistakes but how someone else feels about me is THEIR issue, not mine as I have no control over their emotional state. After reading the letter, I was sad because I had no idea that the level of hostility towards me went so deep; had I known, I would have left months earlier. I never want to be in a situation where I am not wanted that much!
When I responded, I did so in kindness because the only thing I can control is how I feel, what I do and what I say; therefore, I am not going to respond to anger and hate with that in return. Instead, I will wrap it in love and energy with the intention of diffusing the power of it so that my body is not negatively affected by it.
Being able to do this was a result of all the work I have done over the years on learning about my purpose for being here and how to elevate my consciousness. I know that I am 100% responsible for changing anything in my life that I do not like; it it not someone else' responsibility to fix me. I could clearly see what was theirs to handle and what was mine.
Cells have memory.
Ok..so the truth of the matter, is I started to really get overwhelmed by the hostility directed at me in that letter. In becoming overwhelmed, I right away went back into fear. Despite all the work I have done and all the continued awareness, it is very easy for my body, mind and spirit to revert to old patterns. Even if I have released what I believe are the guts of those patterns, there are still remnants in my subconscious that I may not know about until these are brought forward into my conscious mind; however, the beauty of doing this work is knowing that I will have the opportunity to clear everything if I just keep going!
My body and spirit responds in the way it best remembers and until I change that, then I am stuck. So, much of what is happening now is simply a result of my past thinking and fear about the world. I get stuck in the subconscious belief that I am just not ok here. I have constructed a reality that, of course, will come after me since that is what I fear deep down. Also, having come from a fear-filled, overprotective family, I have created a pattern of relying on this family to bail me out of difficult situations. The result of doing this is a loss of courage and confidence that I can fall, pick myself up and continue on. Mistakes become too big and then I am too fearful of making them.
I had a realization through this experience that despite being sober for nearly four years, I have been unconsciously recreating those same patterns of addiction in other things. When I find myself in a crisis, I begin to panic and feel paralyzed. Then, I may decide I need to approach my father and ask for his help or to have him solve the problem. I agonize for days about having to, once again, admit my “failure” and go to him for help. This is true physical agony. Once I go to him, I receive the solution and I can release all the anxiety. Can you see how this is a little like an alcoholic agonizing over trying to not drink all day, then finally giving in and releasing all that pent up fear and anxiety once the alcohol hits the blood stream?
One of the hardest parts of life for an addict or alcoholic is overcoming the idea that stable is boring. For most of us, we have lived lives of extreme ups and downs. Stability is truly the unknown and if it is known to us, it seems dull. Although I have give up substances, I allowed the old patterns of chaos to creep back into my life and sabotage me. BUT...and this is the big BUT, I was able to see it! And, I was able to see it in a lot less time than it used to take. Most importantly, because I am taking responsibility for 100% of my life, I am able to CHANGE this and that is divine.
Today, I am been able to let go and move on to living a life as an adult woman who is true divinity as well.
Even though this may seem to take a great deal of time and a lot of hard work (both of which are true), the end result is living a life that is empowered, healthy and joyful with deep peace as well. Raising your consciousness so that your life is of a higher dimension, as well as having the tools to deal with all challenges is nothing short of miraculous and why not? Life should be celebrated and enjoyed...danced to and revelled in...the years go by in an instant and we must teach our children how precious these years are and how awesome this thing called Earth, Gaia is as well! Dance with me!
Not my will, but thine. Thank you for the lesson. - Paul Solomon
1. The physical universe is an actualization of my thoughts.
2. If my thoughts are cancerous, they create a cancerous physical reality.
3. If my thoughts are perfect, they create a physical reality brimming with LOVE.
4. I am 100% responsible for creating my physical universe the way it is.
5. I am 100% responsible for correcting the cancerous thoughts that create a diseased reality.
6. There is no such thing as out there. Everything exists as thoughts in my mind.
These insights are part of an ancient healing technique from Hawaii called Ho’oponopono.
Ho'oponopono is about taking full responsibility for your life and all the good or bad circumstances in it.
Recently, I have posted a lot about fear. The reason I have done this is to impart to you how all pervasive this emotion is in our society today and how damaging its effects can be. Over the last few weeks, I have been going through a great deal of pain with even more growth and insight...such a beautiful blessing.
I want to share some of these more recent insights with you. Take a look and see how you might be dealing with the world, remembering that your world is really your own creation and as such, it can be re-created at any time!!!
Before you change your world, you need to be deeply honest about how you have constructed it thus far. Once you examine your current world, you can then take steps to discard what you don't like and create anew, what you do like!
Truly empowering.
Friend or Foe
This might sound like the most simple concept in the world, yet it took a dear friend to help me see it:
Do you see the world as a friendly place or a hostile place?
The answer to this may explain numerous things to you...I for one have grown up seeing the world as a hostile and threatening place. It was not until today when she said this question to me, that I got “it”! And by “it” I mean that everything I was doing in life has been premised on the fact that I need to protect myself from the world. WOW...that is an exhausting task!
Now the reason this is so powerful is that my subconscious mind had taken the idea that the world is a hostile place and kept it as truth. No matter what I did consciously to see or do differently, my subconscious mind had the real programming and would not allow me to break through this reality.
Consequently, I was unable to allow myself to receive freely because I was unintentionally blocking all friendly and good things by this subconscious programming.
I could spend time telling you how I ended up believing this, but that is really not important – it is interesting but not terribly helpful to ending the problem. The minute my friend said that I was blocking out the good by this view that the world is unfriendly, I woke up! Although I may have known what I was doing intellectually, my essence or spirit was not understanding it until that moment when I realized, “oh, she is right.” “Seeing the world as hostile has kept me from really enjoying the fruits of what I do.” After all, how could anyone receive anything from a world that seems to be a threat?
And even more important, anyone who believes that this world is a hostile place is by definition not living connected to God/Source/Creator. God or Source would not create such a place to begin with so even though I felt as if I were living side by side with God, I was not...instead, I was living in an alternate dimension where all was negative and angry.
Sweet Surrender
I cannot tell you how often I have used the word “surrender” in the last few months; I said it or thought it many, many times. Despite how much I used that word, I never actually understood what I meant by it! I was certain of one thing: Once I surrendered, I would finally be free of this gripping financial fear issue and the constant struggle with my family to understand and know me in my current role of intuitive, healer and spiritual adviser. So there I would sit in meditation, trying desperately to surrender and to feel that release. I craved that freedom that I just knew would engulf my whole being and then I would know that I had turned the corner. Try, try as I might, that freedom and surrender just would not come!
In fact, I kept actually feeling a physical block from surrender. I was working as hard as I could...trying to get there, but something kept blocking me from achieving it and so I worked even harder trying to get there, to that illusive surrender.
Then today, while reading about light workers, I was thinking about all those wonderful souls that I work with who (like me) are light workers when suddenly, BOOM, I felt it! I knew what it was in an instant! The IT was surrender! I had just surrendered fully!
Right then and there, I realized that surrender was not something I had to actively move towards or work at. All I had to do was move out of my own way and let God come into me! What I mean is this: I often talk about having a relationship with Source/Creator/God and how personal and intimate this must be. That is true. You must cultivate a relationship with Source that allows you to go there and be with Source when you need to. But, what I have left out is the following: You must allow God to come into you! This is the surrender. This is the place where you simply allow and KNOW from within and without that all you do, say, be and feel is from God/Source/Creator. From that moment on, as you move out of the way, life is no longer about you and control or ego; that part of you has surrendered (stepped aside) and is now replaced by God/Source/Creator!
And when it happens, oh my! When you release everything and know deep, deep down that it will be alright because you are no longer flying your plane; instead, you have turned that plane called LIFE over to the most sophisticated and powerful auto-pilot around!! You can sit back and glide - just learning and being because literally you and the father are one! Finally.
In these last few months, I knew something was wrong, but I did not realize it was the fundamental point of once again releasing control. In all the struggle and fear, I had taken back my ego and in doing so, my ego began holding me hostage.
“What will I do? What should I do? Should I get a “real” job like everyone is telling me to do? Why is this so hard...why can't this be easy ?” Mind chatter would go on and on... and on.
On top of all that, I began to resent people that I perceived as being responsible for my downfall...my family who was not supporting me and never had; my clients who were not following through when they had opted to work the month, but then canceled on me at the last minute. Once again, although I knew better, I was obsessed with everything outside of me; not only was I obsessed, but I was trying to fix, control or judge all of it. By doing this, I was once again imprisoned in negativity and powerlessness. Aarggghhhhh!!!
In the moment when I surrendered, I knew myself to be one with Creator/God/Source; instantly, all my resentments, worries and fears slipped easily away into some abyss no longer connected to anything to do with me. I am free!
So, remember that to surrender, you don't have to work at anything or aim for something or get somewhere. All you need to do is literally get out of your own way and invite your God/Creator/Source into that wide open space and become one with you. From this place of wholeness, you can know and be pure consciousness and bliss.
I am sharing with you, in order, the more recent epiphanies that I have had....here is the last piece of my big puzzle:
Crushing Cruelty
The other day I received an incredibly cruel and hateful letter from my landlord in response to my giving notice and explaining why I was leaving. I almost printed the letter here so you could see how venomous this was! I was shocked by the letter and its sentiment because I had no idea that I was disliked this intensely; for months, all the communications had told me that I was the most kind and considerate tenant ever!
What bothered me even more was the anger that was being poured into this piece of paper as if unloading on me would cure the deep fear the author was clearly experiencing. We have spent so many years being told that we must speak our truth as if being sure to blame someone else will release what we are feeling. Trust me, it doesn't. You will never be able to let all that negativity out of you until you actually take responsibility for creating it in the first place.
What I know is this: I may make mistakes but how someone else feels about me is THEIR issue, not mine as I have no control over their emotional state. After reading the letter, I was sad because I had no idea that the level of hostility towards me went so deep; had I known, I would have left months earlier. I never want to be in a situation where I am not wanted that much!
When I responded, I did so in kindness because the only thing I can control is how I feel, what I do and what I say; therefore, I am not going to respond to anger and hate with that in return. Instead, I will wrap it in love and energy with the intention of diffusing the power of it so that my body is not negatively affected by it.
Being able to do this was a result of all the work I have done over the years on learning about my purpose for being here and how to elevate my consciousness. I know that I am 100% responsible for changing anything in my life that I do not like; it it not someone else' responsibility to fix me. I could clearly see what was theirs to handle and what was mine.
Cells have memory.
Ok..so the truth of the matter, is I started to really get overwhelmed by the hostility directed at me in that letter. In becoming overwhelmed, I right away went back into fear. Despite all the work I have done and all the continued awareness, it is very easy for my body, mind and spirit to revert to old patterns. Even if I have released what I believe are the guts of those patterns, there are still remnants in my subconscious that I may not know about until these are brought forward into my conscious mind; however, the beauty of doing this work is knowing that I will have the opportunity to clear everything if I just keep going!
My body and spirit responds in the way it best remembers and until I change that, then I am stuck. So, much of what is happening now is simply a result of my past thinking and fear about the world. I get stuck in the subconscious belief that I am just not ok here. I have constructed a reality that, of course, will come after me since that is what I fear deep down. Also, having come from a fear-filled, overprotective family, I have created a pattern of relying on this family to bail me out of difficult situations. The result of doing this is a loss of courage and confidence that I can fall, pick myself up and continue on. Mistakes become too big and then I am too fearful of making them.
I had a realization through this experience that despite being sober for nearly four years, I have been unconsciously recreating those same patterns of addiction in other things. When I find myself in a crisis, I begin to panic and feel paralyzed. Then, I may decide I need to approach my father and ask for his help or to have him solve the problem. I agonize for days about having to, once again, admit my “failure” and go to him for help. This is true physical agony. Once I go to him, I receive the solution and I can release all the anxiety. Can you see how this is a little like an alcoholic agonizing over trying to not drink all day, then finally giving in and releasing all that pent up fear and anxiety once the alcohol hits the blood stream?
One of the hardest parts of life for an addict or alcoholic is overcoming the idea that stable is boring. For most of us, we have lived lives of extreme ups and downs. Stability is truly the unknown and if it is known to us, it seems dull. Although I have give up substances, I allowed the old patterns of chaos to creep back into my life and sabotage me. BUT...and this is the big BUT, I was able to see it! And, I was able to see it in a lot less time than it used to take. Most importantly, because I am taking responsibility for 100% of my life, I am able to CHANGE this and that is divine.
Today, I am been able to let go and move on to living a life as an adult woman who is true divinity as well.
Even though this may seem to take a great deal of time and a lot of hard work (both of which are true), the end result is living a life that is empowered, healthy and joyful with deep peace as well. Raising your consciousness so that your life is of a higher dimension, as well as having the tools to deal with all challenges is nothing short of miraculous and why not? Life should be celebrated and enjoyed...danced to and revelled in...the years go by in an instant and we must teach our children how precious these years are and how awesome this thing called Earth, Gaia is as well! Dance with me!
Not my will, but thine. Thank you for the lesson. - Paul Solomon
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